The Happiest Cylon Ever Recorded
by Dale Rivers
Summary: This is a repost........This is a Crac Fic...Completely untrue......adults Only....Kara is marooned on the desert moon with a Cylon Raider by the name of DWAYNE.....Here is an alternate version of events....Adults Only


**This is a CRACFIC……..It is completely UNREAL…..**

**Author's Dale Rivers**

**Warning NC/17 – R**

**Disclaimer RDM owns these Characters NOT ME……**

**Feedback is always Appreciated**

**ENJOY**

**The Happiest Cylon ever recorded**.

**Narrator**

The story of how the Cylons obtained the first usable human material for the "Uber" Cylon project is worth telling. The readers will recall in the first series one "Starbuck" crash landed on a hostile planet after having a dogfight in outer space with a Cylon Fighter. Although this is unremarkable what took place between "**Starbuck**" and the Cybernetic Cylon Fighter known as "_**Dwayne**_" is.

Deep space probes recorded all data and communications from Dwayne. Cast your minds back to the scene where the intrepid "_**Starbuck**_" enters "_**Dwayne**_" The Cybernetic Fighter. Almost out of Oxygen in her space suit "_**Starbuck**_" pulls down a pipe from within "_**Dwayne**_" she cuts the pipe and discovers that it is the main Oxygen Pipe. She inserts one end of the pipe in her mouth and is able to pilot the stricken Dwayne back to Galactica. What she did not know of course was that pipe was also the main Sex Organ for a Cybernetic Cylon Fighter.

Many Cylons were originally confused as to why a Cylon fighter would allow himself to be captured. The reason as to why this took place may be better explained by Dwayne himself in the last data streams transmitted by him before his main Central Processing unit inexplicably melted down.

**HOSTILE PLANET SOME WHERE:** "_**Starbuck**__" has just forced her way into Dwayne. Dwayne as per protocol opened an emergency comm link to speak to a nearby mother ship. It went like this._

**Dwayne**: Dwayne to mummy, Dwayne to Mummy, Help! I have just been boarded! It's the humans! Hey you are the Bitch that shot me down. I am going to destroy you for this you filthy little….Hey what's with the knife? Put that away, I am sure we can… Hey look lady settle down a little all is forgiven, put that knife away….No don't touch that, that's my sex organ! No!...Don't cut me! Look all is forgiven! Mummy Ship Help! I… AAAAAAARRRHHHHHH!!! The Pain! I….OHHHHHH that's good yeah I am going to still destroy you ohhhhh. Um? Just **not** right now…... Later…..Much later

**Mother Ship**: Dwayne this is mummy ship here what's going on?! What is your position? We are sending a salvage team right away. What is your position!?

**Dwayne**: Um, Um Negative, Negative everything is ok. All under Control.. Damn that feels good.. I mean all systems normal and throbbing nicely …Oh frac! I mean the pulse engines are stiffening ok and ohhhh if I knew that this is what humans were like I would have surrendered a long time ago! Oh yeah, naughty human Growl! They don't call it a **Cock Pit** for nuthin baby whhooooo hoooooo!

**Mother Ship**: Dwayne it sounds like you in deep trouble we are sending fighters to your position right away…

**Dwayne**: OHHHH……Whhooooooo hold up mamma! I mean what's the hurry…Oh god that's good…What's the bloody rush! I mean can you come back to me in 5 minutes? Oh I am in Cylon heaven…Bugger this Um sorry Mummy ship. Am loosing you! It's a bad line…Umm…more tongue baby, more tounge…Um Mummy ship this is Dwayne, I am just going out for a while see you in the morning bye..

**Narrator**: _It should be noted that wether you are human or Cylon, Parent with a Teenage Son…STOP KIDDING YOUSELF! IF HE IS MARROONED ON A DESOLATE PLANET WITH A HOT LOOKING BLONDE WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE IS GOING TO WANT TO DO!??? STUDY HIS __**FUCKTIONS!?????!!!**_

Back to Dwayne who now has surrendered all control to Starbuck (Hey Cylons dig her too you know!) As Dwayne and his new lover fly through the stillness of space…..In space no one can hear you scream…In Dwayne's case that was kind of a good thing!

**Dwayne**: Oh Baby Yes, Yes….Don't Fly with me, Come fly lets fly away…You want a Victory roll Baby? Yes, Faster baby faster…..Yes touch my landing gear controls….And I am sooooo glad to see you!(Sings) I'm in to the danger Zone! Yes..Yes..OHHHHHHHHH! I FRACKING LOVE BEING A CYLON!!!!

**Narrator**: It was at this point Dwayne intermingled his genetic material with her DNA.. In the eventual debrief that Starbuck had to give to her commanding officer she noted that while flying the stricken fighter and breathing the Cylons air she suddenly was reminded of the seaside and its salty air (I wonder why?)

Some of the combined material was accidently jettisoned into space which was collected by nearby Cylon probe….(At least the Cylon probe did not tell the mother ship Dwayne might have died from the embarrassment)

Before Dwayne's circuits melted and he flew into the  
"Galactica" to be captured he sent this last transmission to his mother ship….

_Mum_

_Have been captured by the humans so wont be home for a while…Suspect I am to be examined and pulled..and pulled apart…I love being a Cylon….am going to be dismanted….will loose black box from within although would not be surprised if she is a natural blonde…Can I take her to the Prom?.._

_Love Dwayne_

_P.S. Did I mention that I love being a Cylon?_


End file.
